Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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