Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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