rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize