turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Everything about him screamed your future.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
