I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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