Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
