i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Randomize
