My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Randomize
