1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
