I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Randomize
