nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Randomize
