This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Randomize