If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
This house was built for laser tag.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
