this beer tastes like vomit already
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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