Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
