Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
