Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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