I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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