we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
