I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
