my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
