woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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