I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
