Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
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