That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
