eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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