Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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