The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
