I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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