i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
