we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
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