one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
