You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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