I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize