If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
