I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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