My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
