i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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