Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
