theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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