I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
