so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
