The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
