Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
