you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
