We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
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