im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
