So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
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