I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
