The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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