youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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