I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
