You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
