Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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