you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
and you fell through a lawn chair
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
