there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
