his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
