My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
