I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
