If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
