i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize